Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog and that should be a quick sign of what this year has been like. It goes against “blog rules” to date your blog posts in case someone is reading this for the first time and doesn’t know the difference of how long of a break you took or anything anyway, but for me, it really shows what has become a priority these 9 recent months. In case you didn’t know, I found out I was pregnant on Cinco de Mayo 2018! I had been feeling extreme dizziness the last few days prior to that where it was almost scary because it would happen while I was driving. It would feel like my car was moving way ahead of me and I was moving backwards. Otherwise, no morning sickness, nothing else! Just dizziness and a weird headache on the left side of my head only. We were trying, and I was barely a day late so I impulsively bought a test to ease my mind and bam. Double lines. I took the test home alone assuming it was going to show negative for some reason, so I waited (almost extremely impatiently) until Nick came home from work and caught it all on camera when I told him Feliz Cinco de Mayo! We’re pregnant!! It came as a surprise even though we agreed to try this year and all of sudden that’s when everything shifted.
I started 2018 on New Years Day, hungover (sorry mom!), napping in my car before work after eating McDonald’s hash browns and coffee for breakfast, ready to take on my last year in my 20’s with this epic 30 Before 30 List idea. I was doing so well! But, when I found out I was pregnant in May, suddenly eating oysters and taking a shot of 30 year old liquor was out the window, then everything else seemed to slow down. It was so hard to explain to my friends and family but my body was slowing down and told me to just incubate this new little life I’m growing. It was frustrating at times because I wanted to do so much more with my days off and try to really grow 13Mementos this year. (And, I also would like to shoutout and I can’t say enough how grateful I am to Shayanne from Bleu Moon Bakery for being the best pop-up shop partner/teacher, ever and one of my now really great friends that I was so lucky to have make all my treats for my baby shower and just be a huge support in general during this process.) But, this is exactly what happened. I stopped painting or drawing or even pick up my camera..which was the weirdest part. I have quite a few rolls of film from earlier in the year that I have yet to take to develop and discover what is on them. I didn’t journal about my pregnancy as much as I wanted..I did however finish my 5 Year Journal and begun a new one this year! That is a habit that I’m so proud to have picked up! But, otherwise, nothing. I did force myself to be sure to take photos on my iPhone, at least, to track my belly growth, but if you know me at all, I am the very LAST one to post mirror selfies nowadays, especially of my belly and growing quadruple chin.
It’s been something I’ve been really hard on myself about until recently. Until today, December 31st 2018, literally days away from meeting my little boy (name to be announced at birth!). Reading and watching everyone recap their year has made me go into my inner perspective of what REALLY was this year about to me? And, I believe I figured it out while showering today trying to summarize it for my blog post that I was determined to type out before 2019. And, it really turned out to be about strength. So much strength from me and the people surrounding me to help me when I was weak. I know there are people out there who struggle to become pregnant or stay pregnant and I am so grateful that I’ve been able to get through this and stay mindful of the difficult times for others while understanding everyone is on their own journey and the time will come when it’s right…it really can’t be said enough how high my gratitude is about that. I know that my body has had to really transform to hold and grow this little life and it’s muscles really held up to it’s natural state of just letting it happen. I know that emotionally, it’s been VERY up and down for me. Again, I practice gratitude every single day, and by practice, I mean I try to say “I am grateful for..” once a day either to myself or to Nick before sleep and I’ve learned my own tricks of knowing how to calm down from stresses. Nothing is worth stressing so much that I lose control of my emotions..I’ve taught myself to cry it out and rant about what the fuck is wrong, then quickly recoup and figure out the solution/good things. Even if it’s not instantly, at least it gives me a goal. It really is practice that I work on. It happened to me at 28 weeks being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, something I never heard of or expected to fail during the testing. It really tested my strength of getting over it and figuring out how to switch gears to be sure my baby would be healthy. I’ve lost 11 pounds since starting the diet (who can say that while pregnant), pricked my finger and tested my blood who knows how many times (at least 4 times a day if it I get it right the first prick) and have been completely diet controlled, no insulin, which would’ve been another obstacle to overcome if it came to that because sometimes it’s completely out of your control and only your hormones control it. But, again, luckily, my numbers have been all regulated and now it’s almost over. Days away. I can’t lie to say I hope it’s before my 30th birthday so I can enjoy cake and pizza, but if it’s not, then you know I’ll have to continue my birthday celebration through the month, that will be officially shared with my son. I am so happy about that. My January, garnet stone, Capricorn baby boy.
I rant on saying all of this, because as mentioned, this year taught me so much about a side of me I wasn’t expecting to grow. And, I wasn’t expecting it while pregnant! It seemed like part of me had been lost or stopped through it all, but really I was working on another side of me that hadn’t grown to it’s full potential yet. The side of me that said, whoa wait, you’re going to become a mother, so make sure you’re ready mentally. I see now that I can fricken do it. And, it wasn’t all flowery or photo worthy to document (clearly even my blog died off this year), but as I sit here feeling him move around for these last few days, I can really say that I did it. And, of course I’m so scared. The first year of his life will be the scariest for me. So much can happen and I hate all of the scary articles and news that is posted about babies..and while I’m very aware and cautious and making sure I have everything set up at it’s best for him, I’m going to remember that I can do this. And, I’m ready for the challenges..and I especially am so grateful for the people in my life that support me/us. And, really I am so ready for the adventures he will take me on. I’m ready to take him with me to coffee shops (DAYS AWAYS UNTIL CAFFEINE FOR REAL.IT’S BEEN 9 MONTHS!), beaches, England, Disneyland and whatever else life throws at us. It’s all a mystery as to what will happen, but I am so excited to take it one day at a time and do my best to be the best mom for him. I’m hoping 2019 will bring more potential again for my small business and of course I’m not too concerned about my camera collecting dust..he’ll become my handsome muse that everyone will get sick of seeing with all the photos I’ll have of him. I just can’t wait. Here is to manifesting great adventure with my son. Now, we wait for when he arrives to show me what more strength I have to give for him.